If I knew how painful this was going to be I wouldn’t have even tried. I don’t know what I am doing anymore, or even understand what the point of anyone existing anymore if this is what it is suppose to be like. I can’t think about anything else after so many years of wondering if it was what I was really suppose to be doing and if I would care if it was over. After years of thinking I was unhappy and about to go over the edge. Now I know what both are really like. I cant even fathom a different way to live, and the last thing I want to do is have to. I’ve had no time to prepare myself. I guess you don’t get the pleasure of knowing when you’re going to die. So why would they let you know when you’re going to want to?